On Coming Home...

The process of coming home can be disorienting.  Pleasant, totally worthwhile, and yet...there is always that step partway home where I start to wonder if I truly belong anywhere.

Like in Houston, for example.  I stopped to sit for a while on a bench in a corridor, and as I sat there, I noticed in the crowds moving in front of me, Spanish speakers walking down the path to my right, English speakers moving to my left.  And for a second I felt like I was sitting right smack dab in the middle on a bright yellow painted line.

I was reminded of the scene from Castaway where Tom Hanks, after being stranded on the island, begins his journey home.  Freshly bathed, clean-shaven, sitting on the airplane he looked completely lost.  Out of place.  Alone.

I was reminded again of the dolphin going back and forth between the sea and the air.  Seamlessly, really.  Down for a while, up for a breath of air.  Down for a while, up for a breath of air...

And I thought to myself, maybe it is possible to live a life made in between.  Life passing between the foam at the surface, splashing back and forth among the waves.

And perhaps part of that involves living life more open handed.  Not clinging or forcing things to fit within a single mold.  Taking what is there for the moment and, when that moment is past, letting go...

Like balancing a bubble in your hand--you can admire the rainbow swirls, get lost in its fragility and beauty, but it must be done with the understanding that the bubble will, at some point, pop.  That's not to say its popping is so terrible...it is simply the nature of things.  One single bubble is not meant to last forever.  And if I learn to value it as it is, without expecting it to be more long-lasting than its nature has ensured that it would be, then I can accept it happily and, when it is gone, simply revel in what it was to me--without getting lost in the regret that it had not managed to become something more.

Going away from home and coming back again makes me aware again of all life's changes.  Of life's unpredictability.  That we are all changing.

Home needs to be transitory, in light of all of this.  I am incredibly thankful I have this home to come back to...my family, friends...but it is hard to cling when life is changing.   I am noticing a shift in my heart attitude toward all of this.  Maybe it is possible to belong to two places at once.  Maybe with the ephemeral nature of life means we make home wherever it comes.  That home is with people, wherever we happen to be...

Maybe home can have a more transitory nature. 

After all, if we interviewed a dolphin, I'm not sure he would be able to choose one place over another as his "real" home.  If he did, he would be conflicted, always clinging and striving for something more.  Every time he reaches for air, he would be resisting...or every time he fell back into the water, he would be discouraged.

I don't think a dolphin lives life so conflicted.  I think they simply accept their fate and take what life is offering them--an opportunity to carve a place and live in both.  To let both places take up equal space in them...equal belonging.  Why spend the time working out which place is "truly" home?

Life is unsettled, unpredictable, and changing...to cling to one aspect, to ask something transitory to be something long-lasting...

It doesn't work, will always result  in failure,

It's asking something to move against its very nature.

So maybe I'll take a deep breath and prepare myself to glide more fluidly in between...

Taking what arises as it arises in each place...

Not complaining or bemoaning,

Simply trusting that what is there will be again.

A transitory blessing.

To be enjoyed now, not hoarded to try to save for later.

To trust that now, wherever it goes will lead to more blessing--that this isn't the last of God's resources.  He isn't shaking the last from the cereal box in order to find enough to pass on to me. 

There is more where this came from, and in light of that, there is no need to cling.

I can let it go and appreciate both worlds.  I can be thankful for what is happening and learn to let it be.

And maybe somewhere in all of that, I'll find the secret to true serenity...

In Christ the solid rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand...

To have eyes to see what is long-lasting, and the proper response to all that is transitory.

To sit on a rock and let all the rest, both good and bad, swirl around in a colorful spiral--there for the enjoying, the enduring--there, but for the moment...

Decisions, Decisions...

Only three more days before the end of first semester.  Only four more days until I'll be leaving town to begin my journey home.  Four hour bus ride to the capital.  One night in a hotel.  And then to the airport to board my flight to the United States...

We've had Christmas parties and are gearing up for finals.  Just a few more days and the semester will be over...

And with that comes the time to start thinking about decisions.  What to do next year...

I thought I was riding the fence.  I thought I was exploring other options.  Then I found myself in the office asking questions about contracts and what is required for signing on for another year...kind of like, while my mind is exploring options, my body has simply decided to continue moving forward without me.  Kind of surprised me.  Kind of gave me deja vu or what happened in June when I came here for a visit and ended up with a job...like it's just meant to happen and all I have to do is follow along. 

I haven't made any official decision...I was just surprised by my actions when I didn't think I knew what I planned on doing at all. 

Christmas lights...

Christmas lights can be glaring sometimes...

There's all the bustle in the stores
The excitement and busyness of all the preparations...

And sometimes that merriment can be inviting.
Sometimes it is something to be gloried in, looked forward to...

But then there are times when the light is glaring

Times when you just want to shield your eyes

It's too much,
too soon

And you're just not ready to see all the light

Families get together for the holiday season...
There is the consistency of families getting together
the same traditions that have been followed for a very long time...

Sometimes there is security in the celebration
At other times it's a reminder of the changes that have gone by...

Chairs that are empty
or replaced by someone new
what was once brand-new now fading
or replaced by something else altogether...
always changing.

And maybe that's the point of Christmas.
All of this is fading away
So Christ came to bring something new and unfading...
something eternal that cannot be lost.

And in light of all of that, the light is inviting.

Other things are fading, but the light is not lost.
People come and go, but their lives are not lost...

There is a teacher I worked with several years ago who I learned this week is dying of cancer.
He was sent home from the hospital several days ago with the verdict of two more weeks.

Two more weeks.

That is one week shying of seeing one more Christmas.

I have found myself thinking this week of what might be going through his head during this time:

Seeing other people hustling and bustling to prepare the presents.
The music in the stores, the lights on the houses,
all of the general excitement of Christmas

and he is putting his affairs in order and preparing for his final journey home.

Perhaps looking back on the life he has lived.
Two weeks is not enough time to go back and resolve all loose ends, though he could certainly try
And certainly all those years of life cannot be re-lived
So it might be a matter of reflection
What went well, what did not...
And then reaching a point where all he can say is, "God, it is what it is..."

This teacher wasn't a really close friend, but I worked with him for two years
I know the general story of his life
I sat next to him on our way to conference
For three hours of conversation

And I know bits and pieces of what his life has been since then

I only know enough to know it's been rough around the edges...

And now I can't shake the thought of one man this Christmas season preparing to go home.

Sobering.

And as I thought on it this morning, I realized I need to lean on mercy more than judgment
In those situations where I can choose anger or understanding
Perhaps it would be better to choose to understand
To respond out of love instead of clinging to my rights
Knowing that, in the long run, all will be right...
That is the choice I will have wanted to make
When the day comes where I find myself getting ready
as he is now.

I don't think I will regret showing mercy, even if that mercy is disregarded at the time.

On a different note, we are down to our last week of school before break.  The elementary students had their Christmas program last week, and the secondary students are preparing for finals.  We have our staff Christmas party this weekend.  And everybody is scrambling to do what we need to do to finish up the semester and then (for most of us) prepare to go home for a little reprieve.

Changes

This last week has brought a lot of changes.  I have taken on new responsibilities at work, stepping into the role of literacy coach/tutor in addition to teaching the Spanish classes.  I really enjoy meeting with the teachers and having the chance to focus on students one-on-one. 

Today in Spanish we had a guest speaker visit to speak with my high school classes about the Guatemalan civil war.  This war didn't happen all that long ago, ending in the 1990s, so the speaker was able to combine his knowledge of Guatemala history with his own personal experiences of the conflict.

I think I was pretty nervous about the guest speaker...I'm not used to organizing something at this level (combining my classes, getting them excused from their other electives, meeting with the speaker beforehand and making all the arrangements for his arrival).  It was definitely outside my comfort zone.  My worry even showed up in my sleep last night...I dreamed that my students were rude to the guest speaker so he decided not to speak about the civil war after all.  Instead, he showed a super-violent movie about apartheid in South Africa, and all I could think about was whether the content of that film was going to get me into trouble with parents or administration.  :-)

Needless to say, my fears were unfounded.  Everything went smoothly.  The students were interested.  The guest speaker was very interesting, and other students and staff joined us for parts of his lecture as their schedules allowed. 

The only odd part was that, towards the beginning, we had a small tremor.  Usually I don't even notice them, but this time I was sitting down.  For some reason they are more noticeable when sitting in a chair.  As I felt myself sway back and forth and back and forth again, I heard some muffled laughter from the students, but other than that, the discussion moved on.  I thought it lasted an unusually long time, and I found out later some of the classes had gone into "earthquake drill" mode.  We just continued with the lecture (though I did watch the walls for a few seconds, wondering if the tremors would get any stronger).

Thoughts on Stability and Change...

It's getting to be that time of year when my thoughts begin to turn to what I plan on doing at the end of this school year.  This is with good reason.  Usually in working overseas, contracts are reissued in Dec or Jan so the schools can begin the hiring process for positions that will be left empty when school ends in the spring.

Sometimes, this decision has been easy.  The first time I came here, I had a feeling I would be staying for two or more years.  So signing the first contract at that time was easy.  Other decisions have been harder.

This time around, I'm not sure what my decision will be.  I'm open to staying longer...and I'm open to going away.  However, going away would have to involve finding another opportunity, having a reason to go away.  Which is entirely possible...I just, right now, don't know what that opportunity would be. 

So I have been thinking about where life is going, what I'd like my life to be...and thinking a lot about stability and what stability really means.

Is stability a nice house and two cars?  Is stability finding a place with lots of friends and family around?  Is stability in affluence or finding a place to settle after moving around?

While I would love to say yes to any one of those questions, my heart knows the rest...those illusions of things that seem so strong and powerful (while important) don't last forever.  While I won't deny that some of these things I label as "stable" are true blessings when you have them, a day will come when it will begin to fall apart...whether through death, decay, or simply the passage of time. 

When I worked in assisted living, what struck me was how temporal the stages of life really are.  Those years with small children that seem to last forever...the house that turns into a home that hears so many tears and laughter.  Eventually the children grow up...and eventually the house is downsized to something smaller...treasures are sorted and divvied out to family and friends...and eventually each and every one of us will slow down and begin to die...

Even when our lives seemed so secure for so long.

So I find myself wondering what stability really is.  Is stability holding our blessings with open hands?  Trusting God to guide us through it?  Having faith that one day we really will find restoration--friendships that last forever, unending life and health--knowing that, one day, we will not be subject to this kind of change? 

Maybe this life itself is drastically unstable.  And maybe stability only comes through holding on to the only one who isn't swayed or changed by it...

And maybe outwardly that kind of life doesn't always look all that "stable" at all. 

There are times I really want to just trust my eyes.  Let the illusions remain and convince myself they will not fail...but I don't need to look very far to see what will become of them. 

Maybe planning for the future involves getting my heart in the right place.  Seeing things clearly from that perspective...

So I don't have an answer yet about what I intend to do the next school year.  But I'll be thinking and praying and weighing pros and cons...and hopefully getting an idea of what my life should look like, or at the very least, what I hope my life to look like next...

And if I don't get the big picture, I'll just content myself with taking the very next step.  Living day by day has pros as well as cons.

Of Mountains and Valleys...

I have been reading the book Praying Jesus' Way by Curtis C. Mitchell.

In it, he discussed how Jesus often climbed mountains to pray. 


I am beginning to understand the appeal of that.


There is something about standing on a mountainside overlooking the valley that puts life into perspective.

Parade

I went for a walk this afternoon and happened across a big Christmas parade winding its way through the park.  In honor of the lighting of the giant Christmas tree there, perhaps?  So I decided to forego my walk in honor of watching the parade.

It was interesting.  I stood beside a taxi with the driver sound asleep in the front seat and a car with a really touchy alarm system that went off every once in a while as people walked past it.  I enjoyed the marching bands.  My favorite was the one with people marching in military style at the front.  Every so often firecrackers were set off around them to sound like gun fire.  Very interesting.  There was float shooting out what appeared to be a light spray of fake snow (but was really just tiny little pieces of paper).  They had the characters from the movie Up! as well as Papa Smurf in a Santa hat.  There were dance crews and floats with advertisements (all throwing out candy).  And then there were the costumes...I have to admit, as a foreigner, that the costumes left me confused.  It kind of looked like somebody raided the costume stores to use whatever was available, but maybe there was a some connection between them that, not being from here, I simply failed to understand.  Like the grown men dressed like elves that had something in their mouths that, from a distance, resembled cigarettes.  Or the girls in black dresses and wigs and candy-corn hats (that looked like they belonged in a Halloween parade instead of Christmas).  And the group of women wearing plastic masks that (I think) were intended to look like Barbie dolls.  (The rows of expressionless faces reminded me more of something from the movies--the Stepford wives or something.)  And my personal favorite: the Vikings/cavemen, a few of which appeared to have hints of clown makeup on their masks, who danced their way down the street to the beat of the music.  My best guess is that they were supposed to be dressed as the toys children would want to receive for Christmas, but I'm really not sure.

All in all, it was fun, though.  A fun prelude to what is coming at Christmas.

Community

Community is like a cozy blanket.  The kind made of fabric tied into knots.  Each little contact woven together with other contacts until, even when things around get chilly, you still feel safe and warm.  I'm thankful for community.

Life is unexpected...

the way we weave in and out of each other's lives.

I went to the Mormon temple yesterday.  It is open to the public for two weeks in honor of its construction.  I took a bus there and climbed the hill to the temple's entrance.  There I joined a group of others being led into a nearby building to watch a preliminary video.  Then, as I was waiting with my group for our turn to tour the temple, on of my students found me.  She was volunteering at the temple as a translator for any foreigners in the crowd, but since there were no foreigners at that moment, she decided to stay with me as we walked through the temple.

It was very interesting.  She answered so many of my questions, giving all kinds of details that were not included in the official tour, pointing out the hand-woven carpets, the paint made with real gold and chandaliers made of crystal, as well as answering my questions about the customs and how the temple itself is used.  I felt like I had my own personal tour. 

Then, as we left, I stopped to take a survey.  Then I chatted with a missionary from Alaska also volunteering at the temple. 

Then I ran into some friends who gave me a ride home since, during the tour, it had gotten quite dark...

A wonderful evening filled with friendship...

And a phone call from another friend, who received a job offer in the U.S. and will be leaving us soon.  Bittersweet.  I'm excited for her but so sad to see her go. 

Not that she will be gone entirely, but it will be different...

There is a part of me that wants to cling and make life stable, but I am learning that part of contentment is letting go.  Not completely, and I don't mean not caring--but letting it be, even when it's hard...accepting the ebb and flow because, after all, all these pieces will eventually be made right in the end.  The coming and going is a friendship added, a lesson learned.  And I've seen over the years how people from the past can make new appearances.  They never really go away completely, they just add to the whole.  They may seem to disappear for a while, but after a while, they often come back again.  Or in a different way.  But they're always there, somewhere, making a difference even in their waiting.

happenings...

There was a half-marathon in town on Sunday.  Lots of roads were blocked off since it went all around the city.  I went to the early service at church only to find out there was no service that early last week.  Instead, since the bishop was coming, they were combining the English and Spanish services into one and people were going to be confirmed.  So I just hung out at the church and helped/watched as the people in charge prepared for the bishop's visit.  Apparently, when the bishop is there, there is a slightly different protocol that needs to be followed, so I had an up-close-and-personal view of the preparations for the whole shebang.  The church was unusually crowded, and there was a lot more English included to accommodate for those who were joining the church from the first service.  It was kind of nice to hear the scripture readings in English, too, for a change.  While I can follow the Spanish pretty well, the English seems to have a more direct pathway to my heart.  The service started late, though...the bishop was delayed in arriving to the church because of all the roadblocks for the half-marathon.  But, in the end, he arrived and all went smoothly.

Today, I happened to ask one of my classes, "At one point did you learn it was appropriate to talk when the teacher is talking?"  And after rephrasing my question for them so they understood what I was asking, they actually gave me an answer.  They said they had had a bad experience with a teacher the year before, so they decided to stop listening to her.  I nicely explained to them how it made me feel when they talk when I do, and after that they were super-polite.  It was a question I hadn't planned on asking, but in the end, it went really well.

And we have a student from Sweden staying with us now through the holidays.  And another person from Guatemala City arrived...it's nice to have a full house again after several weeks of life being more quiet. 

Thoughts on "home"...

I went for a walk this afternoon, to get some exercise and think through some things...

Like where my life is going...
Whether or not I think I want to sign on to come back next year...
And if I don't come back next year, then what?..
And what it means to have a home...
And what is the true meaning of family and community...
And is it truly possible to even begin to find all of that here and now, on this side of eternity?

I thought of Abraham and how he was promised a homeland yet lived his entire life in a tent.  And I was reminded of a song I remember hearing when I was young:

This world is not my home, I'm just a passin' through.
My treasures are laid up somewhere beyond the blue.
The angels beckon me from heaven's open door,
that's why I can't feel at home in this world anymore...

And the MercyMe song:

I close my eyes, and I see your face
If home's where my heart is, then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now...

And all those people in Hebrew's hall of faith that received the promise but never saw it come to pass during their lifetime...

So where would I go from here?  What would I do?  Would any other place I went simply bring about more of the same? 

Or is life simply a matter of letting go?  Learning to live without that promise...believing it will come yet waiting and waiting and waiting...waiting for eternity so we can begin to see?

But if that's the case, then why did Jesus raise Lazarus from the dead?  When Martha said he would rise again when the Lord came, why didn't Jesus just say, "okay"?

Yet he let John the Baptist die.  He didn't reattach his head the way he repaired the ear of the servant in the Garden of Gethsemane.

So what is the meaning of life as we live it?  (Don't worry, I don't intend to sum that up in one simple blog entry. :-)  What are we doing?  Why are we here?  And where is the balance between living life and stepping back to merely accept it?  When do we dare to dream? 

As I was contemplating these things, I came across a bush with small yellow flowers.  Slightly wilted (with dry season upon us the flowers are past their prime), yet still pretty.  I stopped to look them over.  Enjoy the burst of color before moving on my way.  Stopping to "smell the flowers," one could say. 

I came here expecting to learn more about home, but I still find myself almost entirely without answers. 

I still don't have my answers, and I don't really know what else to say.  So perhaps it's a good time to end this blog entry, at least for today.

Do you ever get the feeling...

when you pray like God is giving you a pillow and blanket and making you comfortable for the long haul?  That what you are praying for is going to take a lot of waiting, but God is there and telling you it's going to be okay? 

Thought for the Day...

You learn to speak by speaking, to study by studying, to run by running, to work by working; and just so you learn to love God and man by loving.  Begin as a mere apprentice and the very power of love will lead you on to become a master of the art.  --Francis de Sales

Blessings...

Surprising little things can brighten the day...

Like a surprise fireworks display in honor of the lighting of the biggest Christmas tree in the city.  The view from our roof was wonderful.  An impromptu celebration.

And a chance to go out and try something new.  Like having tea on the balcony of a cafe overlooking a park lit up by city lights.  Or going afterwards to hear a live band play...

Ropa

My pajamas are beginning to take up almost a load of laundry in and of themselves...I had already been wearing two layers of clothes to bed, but I added a third shirt to the mix a few nights ago--this one with a hood that I can pull over my head at night when I get cold.  People say that it is unusually cold for November...we  might be in for a really cold January if this is how things continue.  I think I better plan accordingly and bring back more cold weather clothes when I am home.

Great quote

I came across these words from Charles Spurgeon this morning:

Let the winds rush and howl, and let the waters lift themselves, though the vessel may rock and her deck may be washed with waves and her mast may creak under the pressure of the full and swelling sail, it is then that she makes headway toward her desired haven.

No flowers are as lovely a blue as those that grow at the foot of the frozen glacier; no stars gleam as brightly as those that glisten in the midnight sky; no water tastes as sweet as that which springs up in the desert sand; and no faith is so precious as that which lives and triumphs in adversity.

patience

My mom told me today that I have a tendency to be impatient...I guess it's true.  I think it has to do with not trusting that the good will happen...so I want what I am hoping for to happen soon to reassure me it will ever come to me at all.

I guess that's where faith comes in.  And I suppose that's where trials can come in handy...all of that "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverence" that James talks about. 

Maybe perseverence isn't such a bad thing after all...especially if it does lead to being "mature and complete, not lacking anything."

And maybe perseverence is hinged on knowing that what you hope for is coming after all...and with that comes patience and trusting that the timing will come together in the end.

Maybe trials and perseverence and suffering and patience can be good things.  Even when in the midst of things, it can all seem rather dark...

So maybe patience is the answer and not something to be resisted and complained about in blog after blog. :-)  Maybe the answer is to learn from it, let it be given as a gift from God, something learned in the midst of the circumstances.  A lesson learned with trust--trust that we can get through it.  Trust that the trial will not last any longer than we can endure with the help of God.  That when we get weak, help will be there.  And we don't need to worry that it will go on forever.  We can keep the end in sight along with the one who holds that end in his hands, and hold on, trusting him to be our deliverer and make us strong.

translation

Next week the students in the high school community service class will be helping a medical team with translation between English and Spanish.  My students asked me if we could practice medical vocabulary in class today to help prepare, so I need to go online and find words and phrases. 

"patience in suffering"

I'm signed up to lead both high school and middle school chapel next week (back to back on the same day).  The topic this month is "patience" and when I compared notes with a fellow teacher who led chapel this week, I found out we are both going off of the same passage of scripture: the section in James on having patience in suffering.  (There is no problem in this since we are going different directions for it--there is definitely enough to "patience in suffering" to fill two chapel sessions.)  This other teacher commented how it seems like every time she starts to plan a chapel, she ends up dealing with what she is going to have to be talking about.  I told her (only half-joking) that I think next time I want to sign up for an easier topic.  Right after the flood, I had to do a chapel on "peace."  Now, in the midst of other struggles, I will be discussing "patience."  Hmmm....unfortunately, I don't think there are any fruits of the Spirit that deal with "taking it easy" or "sliding by on good experiences." :-)  So maybe I'll just have to continue forward and just deal with whatever I have to deal with in light of things...

So for next week, I am planning on showing some clips from the movie Amazing Grace and show some YouTube videos for some songs that deal with waiting (like Savior, Please; There Will Be a Day; Praise You in this Storm; and While I'm Waiting).  And then talk about, in light of James, what we can do while we wait (not grumbling, looking forward to our future hope of Jesus' return and the ultimate restoration, etc).  I'll see...I might put together a skit about the importance of having the end goal in sight (comparing two people on a journey--one who doesn't really have any reason to do it or any assurance of a reward at the end of it, and one with the clear goal in mind.)  I helped a teacher last week with a skit on Job cast with teachers, and found out we have some talented actors on staff.  That could work...

And...

all's well that ends well...

Madrugada...

I find myself letting go...after several days of worry, stress, pain, grieving...I'm letting go.  Letting it be.  Trusting God and moving on.

And what triggered this in me?  It has been a process, but I think the definite turning point was coming across a song.  A particular song that was meaningful to me during a very dark time in my life.  A song that helped me remember who God is and who I am in him...and if he was there during that time of my life, there is no question he is at work now.  And if he could carry me through that, guide me through that dark, thorny path when I didn't see that there was any way, then I'm in good hands now...regardless of what happens...

It's not that things are easy now.  Life still involves a lot of holding on, just focusing on today.  But it's getting better, and it will be okay.

Thought for the Day

I came across these thoughts by Charles Spurgeon today, based on Isaiah 49:16, which says, "Behold, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands..."

He cries, "How can I have forgotten you, when I have engraved you on the palms of My hands?  How dare you doubts My constant remembrance when the memorial is carved upon My own flesh?"  O unbelief, what a strange marvel you are!  We do not know what to wonder at most--the faithfulness of God or the unbelief of His people.  He keeps His promise a thousand times, and yet the next trial makes us doubt Him.

He never fails; He is never a dry well; He is never as a setting sun, a passing meteor, or a melting vapor; and yet we are as continually troubled with anxieties, molested with suspicions, and disturbed with fears as if our God were a mirage of the desert.

Blessings...

I am so thankful for the chance to talk to my mom via the internet this time around...she has a knack for getting to the heart of the issues I am dealing with and help me come up with answers.  I really appreciate it.

And today I came across a couple of songs that were meaningful to me at the heart of some very low times...it was a good reminder of how God has been there through the darkest times in the past--which means he will definitely be in what is happening now.

This morning...

I hate when God asks us to hope for the impossible...it would be a lot easier to hope if what we were hoping for was at least a little more likely...

I got into an argument with God about that this morning on my way to church.  I won't share exactly what I said (if I did, I would burst any bubble anyone has about me being "holy"), but let's just suffice it to say I was mad.

The crazy thing is, it's not that what I am hoping for is impossible...it just to me seems highly unlikely, unlikely to the point of being in the realm of the impossible.  And the longer I wait, the more the battle rages inside of me.  Wanting to dream, but not daring to be disappointed.

Like the Shunammite woman narrowing her eyes and saying, "Don't mislead your servant, O man of God"...

There is part of me that just wants to tell God not to even go there...don't play with this.  If it's not going to come to pass, don't mess with me.  Touching those emotions if it's not going to come to pass is too painful.

Yet the more I pray about it, the more I get the sense I should continue to dream.  It is uncomfortable.  It would be easier to just be surprised with it one day.  Out of the blue.  Without the forewarning and having to learn to hold on to the dream.

Dreaming is hard.  Having hope is still harder.  Holding on to a dream when the world's experiences seem against it is almost impossible.

Yet day by day, I keep plodding through it.  For whatever reason, God doesn't appear to want me to let go (at least if I am hearing from him correctly).  If I'm wrong, perhaps I have an "out" and can go away and do whatever I please...

Unfortunately, though, I don't believe that "out" is there and think I better stick to the path laid out before me. 

So here's to another day of plodding through it and working to keep the dream alive...

Worrying...(or "Some Thoughts on Phineas and Ferb")

I was thinking about worrying and patience this evening, and this song came to mind...In this particular Phineas and Ferb episode, the kids are watching the creation to keep it from disappearing (as usually happens) before their mom comes home. However, I found the song has some parallels to dealing with situations that come up in real life...situations dealing with worry and hope and how to be patient on the line between the two.

Enjoy the song, listen to the lyrics, and I'll leave you to draw your own conclusions before sharing my own.

Experiment: Day One...

Less than two hours into the first complete day of my experiment of looking on the brighter things.  This is HARD.  I am constantly having to catch myself and turn my brain back to the other way of seeing things.  Who knew worrying was so deeply ingrained...

Trust...

I have been noticing an interesting phenomenon this week...when given the option to worry about possibilities or trust God, I consistently choose to worry.  It's not that I prefer the worst option...I would actually be very thrilled if my worrying is proved wrong...it's just that I fear trusting...

It's not something I would have said before.  But after having observed my own reactions over the past few days, I can see that it is true.

I fear hope.  I fear trusting.  I would rather worry myself sick and be pleasantly surprised when I am wrong than live in peace and contentment and then let God catch me if I am wrong.

God doesn't carry me so much when I worry preemptively...it's not that he doesn't care; he just doesn't step in and help supernaturally the way he does when I'm hit with an actual disaster.

Perhaps that has to do with the Bible saying not to worry... :-)

So I don't want to trust...I find it easier to prep for disaster than look forward to what might come.  And my reasoning for doing this?  I listened in on my thoughts earlier, and this is what I heard:

You didn't save my brother...

I thought I had dealt with that already...

I guess in the process of accepting hardship, I had somehow forgotten how to trust that God would ever deliver anything better, thinking that's for the hereafter, not for the here and now...

Yet in James today, I read about Job, about how he was patient in suffering and had what was lost restored to him.  So maybe, at least sometimes, we do get to see some of the restoration in the here and now. 

In the meantime, it might be nice to save myself the worry and stress...to hope now and then and wait to face the cold, hard facts when they come and stare me square in the face.  God's always there when that happens.  He carries the bulk of the load...

When I worry, though, I find I do a lot of that on my own...I think I'd like to learn to hope. 

Maybe I'll make that my meta (goal) for the weekend.  By Sunday night, I hope to have taken some strides in learning how to hope.  For the next 48 hours...I'll start right now and I'll see how it goes. :-)

Worry is a strange thing...

It's like a sheet of glass that colors everything.  When I'm worried, the situation appears one way.  When I get a reprieve from the worry, it appears in another.  And when I bounce between the two, my emotions go back and forth.  Perhaps this has something to do with what James wrote about the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed about by the wind?

There are lots of good reasons not to worry...now if I could begin to put not worrying into practice...

James chapter 1...

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds...

Pure joy.  I don't think I've ever been able to recite this verse without a little bit of grumbling on my part.  Couldn't it have said "consider it useful" or "consider it valuable for learning lessons"...but pure joy?  You've got to be kidding me, right?  Now, I realize perseverance is useful.  And I realize that, yes, these trials are working to make me mature and complete, not lacking anything...but I still find it hard to consider those trials cause to be joyful...especially not at the time.  Especially not at levels that could be measured at anything close to being defined as pure joy. 

I suppose this is the point where I should come up with an uplifting ending to this blog, set everything right, but right now I think any response I come up with would just be canned.  So, for now, I'll just say...

To be continued...

Happy mood...

I surprised myself this afternoon by falling into a very good mood...kind of a surprise after the past few days.  Even more surprising is the way I find myself fighting it.  If only I fought bad moods with so much vigor!  Apparently I resist being happy without a logical reason but have no problem whatsoever worrying about anything or everything without the slightest bit of proof.  That's something I should probably begin working on turning around...

I guess I could start right now by attempting to hold back the urge to fight my good mood.  Just sit back and enjoy it...thank God I can spend an evening with so much joy in my heart...just let the good mood be and stop trying to quell it...

Perhaps I'll get into my pajamas and listen to Jerram Barrs discuss J.R.R. Tolkein...that would make a happy ending to a surprisingly happy day.

Thought for the Day

I came across this quote today.  I like his attitude.  I would like more of it myself.

Even if I knew that tomorrow the world would go to pieces, I would still plant my apple tree. --Martin Luther

Poem

Last Friday my students had a poetry party to read the odes that they had written in the style of Pablo Neruda.  In the process of planning the party, my students asked that I share an ode as well...so here it is, my first attempt at Spanish poetry. :-)  (I've translated it into English below, and I apologize for the lack of accent marks.  I still haven't figured out how to make those with my computer.)

Oda a los sueños perdidos

En la madrugada

Acostada en la cama

Telarañas de memorias, semi-desconocidas

desvaneciendo, casi recordado

desapareciendo en las esquinas

calladas, tranquilas, olvidadas...

desapareciendo en los abismos

de la mente

Mi mente, mi misterio

Huyendo a la vez a un lugar

escondido

Solo la memoria de una

emocion, sentimiento

Un recuerdo por un momento

y se fue, y ya no mas

 

 

Ode to lost dreams

At dawn

Laying in my bed

Spiderwebs of memories, partially unknown

fading, almost remembered

disappearing in corners

quiet, tranquil, forgotten...

disappearing in the chasms

of my mind

My mind, my mystery

Fleeing all at once to a hidden

place

Only the memory of an

emotion, a feeling

A memory for a moment

And then it goes, and is no more



the last few days...

My uncle was visiting with a missions team.  It was fun to be able to see what they do and take part in some of the activities.  And it's always nice to have family in town.

Today we had no school because of All Saint's Day, so I was able to spend the afternoon with them today, as well.

Today was a rough day, but I have had so many people helping me that this evening I feel much better than I did when the day started.  It's amazing how talking to people can help shift one's perspective, make the world seem a little brighter.  Thank God for community...

I like hymns...

because they remind me of people who came before me.  My great-grandma's generation walking through life's problems...and surviving.  That fellowship of suffering, knowing many others have walked these roads before...

There was something about the cemetery that was comforting when I was younger...the old headstones, the generations buried there, hints of their trials inscribed in the dates and the times...

There is something about hymns that feels like someone upholding me...the generations of Christians with their humble trust in Jesus.  Knowing I follow in their footsteps.

It doesn't make the struggle go away, but it does make it just a little but lighter.

Sometimes songs are like old friends...

I have found myself thinking about Korea a lot lately...not too surprising, I guess, considering my brother has been on my mind a little more than usual since our trip to Mexico. 

This Todd Agnew song (http://youtu.be/lqY2c3YPE4s) is one I came across for the first time while I was in Korea...there was something about the melody and the lyrics that I found soothing, and so I found myself listening to this particular song over and over again.

Now it is good to listen to the song again...and remember.

Remember the depths God has walked with me through...

Remember that, if I ever need it, He will do so again...

And to remember and be thankful that life, at least for the moment, is just a little less complicated, at least compared to what I was going through before.

Wednesday

It has been a busy week, but a productive one...I've had time to look into revamping grammar instruction with one of my high school classes and find some interesting resources online for listening and looking into how the students are processing language. 

Plus, today, I made it through leading my first chapel for the year.  I have another one coming up in a few weeks...then I will be doing high school and middle school back to back.  I think it went well...I really overplanned; I think I only made it through about half of what I had hoped to do, but that's okay.  I would rather overplan than run out of ideas and need to scramble to fill the time. 

I was nervous about leading the chapel today.  I found I was really leery of accidentally twisting scripture...to get around that, I focused almost entirely on specific Bible verses.  I figured it would be a little safer to present the scripture and get out of the way rather than spend a lot of time expounding on my opinion of it.

We looked at how God can help us when we're scared since the theme this month is "peace."  My next chapel will be during the month on "patience"...

Had a busy couple of days getting back into the swing of things at school.  It's the first full week we've had in a little while.  I am in charge of middle school chapel tomorrow and spent time today putting it together.  Hope it goes well.

And another...

And on the return trip I heard a different kind of song...one of those that comes up from time to time that remind me of my brother...so, Caleb, this one's for you.  Love you.

Who Knew  http://youtu.be/NJWIbIe0N90

Songs

Here is a video I found on YouTube for one of the songs we listened to on our trip...the playlist was from Selah...

My Hiding Place  http://youtu.be/Yhhc2_dQ9jc

Mexico

I went on a visa trip to Mexico this weekend.  At first, I wasn't too excited about going, mostly because I had  to go and it wasn't by my own choice, but then, a few weeks ago, one of my co-workers corrected me on it, reminded me that getting to go is really a blessing.  A school-paid vacation.  Something that could end up being really, really fun.

So I started to work on adjusting my attitude, telling myself I don't have to go, I get to.  And, honestly, it started to work.  I don't know why I had been viewing these trips so negatively.  I didn't really have any legitimate reason for not wanting to go...

Then the last three weeks happened, and having a break to go somewhere began to sound very appealing. 

The last three weeks have been stressful.  Very much so.  And getting out of town this time around was just what I needed.  A chance to see different sights, breathe different air.  Just get away so I could come back rejuvenated.

So we went to Mexico. 

There is something about riding on a bus, staring out the window at the scenery rolling by, that is conducive to thinking.  And praying.  And sorting things out.

On this trip, one of the teachers played some songs from her iPod.  Songs about God's faithfulness in the midst of our troubles.  Songs like "through it all, through it all, I've learned to trust in Jesus, I've learned to trust in God..."  And I found myself taking a walk through the past, remembering.  All the trials, all the struggles...and realizing that they do fit together and that no matter what happens in the future, there is no reason to be afraid.  He will still be there.

And Mexico itself was great.  I went to Sam's Club.  I went to Walmart.  I walked around in an air-conditioned mall.  I sat around a pool.  I ate lunch at a park.  And it was sunny.  And it was warm.  I ate a lot of food, visited with lots of people...and how can I even begin to describe the hotel showers?  Someone told me before I left that it's worth going to Mexico just for the hotel's showers.  At first, I thought she was exaggerating, but then I got there and found out what she was talking about...everything about it was perfect.  Perfect amount of water.  Perfect water pressure.  All coming out of the shower head at just the right temperature...I felt like I was stepping out of a spa by the time the shower ended.  And then, to top it all off, the room wasn't cold when I turned off the shower.  (It is so much warmer in this city in Mexico than it is here...here it is cold and we generally wear layers.  A lot of my friends have cracked out their scarves to wear around the house--I am hoping to hold out until December when I can bring mine from home.)

And the beds in the hotel were so comfortable...Laying in bed in the morning with no need to get up early was heavenly...

I think I needed a chance to get away from here for a while.  And now that I'm back, I am feeling much more re-energized for moving into another week.

Thought for the Day

I saw this on a friend's Facebook page:

"Some people belong in your heart but not in your life."

And we have sun!!!

Welcome to the dry season!  Woohoo!!!!

This morning...

I found out I get anxious now whenever it starts to rain heavily.  Especially when it begins to rain in the early morning.  Usually during rainy season Guatemala is like clockwork--dry in the morning, wet in the afternoon.  So when I woke up this morning to heavy rainfall and the power going out, I quickly became anxious.  After all, it was just this time last week that I woke up to find a river in our street and a flooded downstairs.  And just last night I prayed a prayer of gratitude to God that this Wednesday was going to be so different...

So I found myself getting anxious.  Begging God not to let it flood again.  Praying that this storm would just pass, for the electricity to come back on, and for life to get back to normal so we can just relax...

Obviously, there was no need to get so afraid.  I could hear cars passing in the street, a sure sign that it couldn't be flooding enough to come into the house.  But still I felt anxious.  Anxious that the house would flood while I was gone.  Anxious that the river between our house and school would flood so I wouldn't be able to get home...

Take a deep breath...and let it out slowly...

I heard rumors of a cold front that is supposed to come through tomorrow.  The bad news is that it's going to start getting really cold.  The good news is that the rain will probably be stopping...and life can get back to normal.

In the meantime, I am trying to relax, lean on God, go through this in prayer and stop being so afraid.  I know my reaction isn't rational...just a leftover reaction to all the craziness that happened last week.  I can trust that whatever happens, God can guide us through it...I'll just keep hanging on and learn to trust that it will be okay.

Thought for the Day

I saw this one on a friend's Facebook page:

Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its troubles...it empties today of its strength. --Corrie ten Boom

Gratitude by comparison...

A friend recently told me she finds it easier to be thankful for what she has when she compares her situation with other people around her...

As far as that goes, I only have to look at my host family to find a lot to be grateful for.  We shared the experience of the flood, but they were the ones directly impacted by the loss.  And today, while I was worrying about a family member with declining health, I learned that a baby born to one of their relatives last week died today...I, on the other hand, received word that the family member I was worried about might be doing better than I thought...

That doesn't mean I always have to look at the worst case scenario to be grateful, and I realize that we all have our turns at hardships, but the parallels this time were striking.

Another storm?

I have heard today there may be another storm coming towards us.  Please pray...I read in the newspaper today that this tropical depression that we are experiencing has caused the same number of deaths in our immediate area as Hurricane Stan and more deaths than Hurricanes Agatha or Mitch...that's crazy.  I plan on praying that this other storm either fizzles out or misses us...that God will have mercy on this little plot of land.

Blessings...

This morning it hasn't rained...at least not more than an occasional drizzle.  We even kind of have sun.  The sky is still cloudy, but it's bright enough that we can at least enjoy the light of the sun.  The roads are even partially dry... 

Very exciting.

And church this morning was good.  It's a smaller church with a very traditional service...I really enjoyed it.  I know that that isn't just what church is about...perhaps it is more accurate to say that it was biblical, they appear to do community well, the pastor said the church will be looking into ways we can help people who lost things in the flood, and the traditional style of worship was very soothing and helped me remember who God is...

All in all, I would say it was a good morning.

Sunday

Now people are saying the rain could continue through Thursday...something about the storm parking itself over the country.

I suppose I really can't complain...we really aren't getting hit as hard as other areas right now.  The northern part of the country, I hear, is getting the majority of the rain.  We do get brief respites here.  The rain does let up into a light sprinkle...sometimes even stopping altogether (though the sky is always covered with clouds).  Still...

I am really looking forward to the sun coming back here.

More rain means more mudslides.  More areas impacted by floods.  More areas to clean up.  More obstacles blocking the ability to move about the country freely.

I've had two conversations over the last few days about Noah and the flood...I had never really moved beyond a "Sunday School" mentality in considering this story.  But forty days and forty nights.  A flood that destroyed everyone that wasn't safe within the ark.  Enough rain to cover even the highest mountains...

I imagine they grew weary.  I imagine they were traumatized.  I imagine they needed the rainbow just to keep from panicking every time it started to rain again.

What we experienced is just a drop in the bucket compared to that...but my nerves are starting to get frayed.  There is part of me that thinks: if the sun would just shine... it would be easier to move past this.  It would be easier to clean up and move forward.  If the sun would just shine...

To clean up after a flood with the sun on your shoulders is one thing.  To clean up while it is still raining is quite another.  Cleaning up when you know it's over is more uplifting.  Cleaning up while the storm still rages is much harder...

We have been blessed in not having any more flooding.  We have been blessed in getting mostly lighter rain.  But yesterday when I was out of the house, it started pouring.  And when it didn't let up, I began to worry about being able to make it home.  Would the house be flooded again?  Would I have to wade through knee deep water just to make it to my door?

The family has worked so hard to get the house put back together again...I didn't want to see them have to start again from the beginning.

Such were my thought processes...in the end, the rain let up before I even made it home.  But every time it rains hard, I go to the window.  I check to make sure the flooding isn't starting all over again.

If the sun would just shine...

If we could just know this thing is over...

I know I have no right to complain.  I didn't personally lose anything.  My emotions are just getting tired.

Today is Sunday.  I am visiting a new church this morning.  I haven't felt such a strong need to go to church in a very long time.  I am hoping it will be good.

What do you do...

in the face of such need...

What do you do when you see people emptying their house of everything: beds, appliances...

What do you do when you don't know who has people to help them and who is living in desperate need?

What do you do?  How do you help?  How do you even begin to know where to start?

And maybe things are already being done...donations being taken...

There is part of me that wants to jump into action, to do what I need to do to make this crisis pass away...but I don't know what to do yet.

The first day was filled with action.  We prayed.  We did what we needed to do with what was facing us right that moment.  But now...

I see other people working hard at cleaning up, but I...

I don't really know where I fit into it all.  I don't really know what it is I can do.

The emotions are catching up with me.  Grieving.  But not yet knowing what to do in order to move forward.

Just living in each moment...which I guess is really all we can do when living at any given moment...

But what do you do?  Just care for those around you and hope the others get cared for as well?

I'm hoping the church will provide some answers, that when I go tomorrow I will hear others who are ready to move forward with a plan.  I don't like to think of people going to bed tonight with nothing, and I have no way of knowing how many cases like that there are...and maybe the grand scope of things isn't my problem, but still...

I'd like to do something.

I take some of that back...

I might have seen the sun for a while yesterday morning...it's hard to tell because my perception of what counts as raining has changed over the past few days.  If it's not raining hard enough to hear it beating on the roof, I tend to assume the rain has stopped.  I almost don't notice if it's drizzling or just raining gently...

So I might have seen the sun...I really don't know.  :-)

It's still raining...

...and raining.

I never really knew I would miss sunlight so much...

How much longer will the rain last?  Someone today said 48 hours...but that's also what they were saying on Wednesday morning when we had the flood.

48 more hours...

I'm beginning to think this is like the "ocho mas" in the Spanish aerobics class I took in college.  Gritting my teeth to get to ocho, muscles burning, only to hear the instructor call out "ocho mas" and then again "ocho mas"...

So 48 more hours...or perhaps we don't really know.

One thing's for sure, though.  Eventually the rain has got to stop so dry season can begin.  Eventually this storm has got to fizzle out.

I can be thankful it's just a steady rain and not a downpour.

I can be thankful we have food and water and power.

I can be thankful the house isn't flooded anymore...

I can also be thankful our road is no longer filled with sticky, stinky mud.

I can be thankful for rainboots.

I can be thankful for friends and getting through things...

For cooperation and communities that work together to rebuild...

But patience wears down and people get tired.  Cleaning up and rebuilding take lots and lots of work.

And there are other inconveniences...

Laundry, for instance.  I was thankful to find the laundromat near my house didn't flood, though areas on both sides of them did.  The majority of Guatemalans either handwash their laundry or have just a washing machine.  This means that most people dry their clothes on a line either inside or outside the house.  When it's raining, however, some people cope by bringing their laundry to the laundromat where they have dryers.  When I stopped at the laundromat this morning, I was pleasantly surprised to find I will be able to get my clothes by tomorrow.  With all the people needing to dry things, I was expecting to have to wait much longer.  Other people cope in other ways.  I noticed the house across the street has laundry strung up under a covered shelter.  I'm not sure if this is a sign of hope or desperation...It's so humid outside,  I wonder if the clothes will ever dry at all.  On the other hand, eventually the clouds have  to part and the sun has to come out.

We really have a lot to be thankful for at this point.  And when the sun finally does come out, I think we'll have to have some kind of sun-celebration party.

Friday

Today we had school, and I made it there...for a while

Then the director found out I was feeling sick and told me to go home and go to the doctor.  (There was already a sub at school who ended up not being needed, so he was more than happy to take over my Spanish classes.)

The problem is that I don't feel all that sick right now, so coming home to rest is kind of a bother (even though I suppose it's a good idea).  The symptoms kind of come and go...

The plow came through our neighborhood last night to tackle the mud (the street had pooled their resources to pay for one to come).  It didn't do much, though, mostly spread the mud around again so no cars could pass through...So today the neighbors are out shoveling the mud into a pile while others trail behind to get what's left with a hose.  They are doing a good job.  We can actually see the pavement tiles now in the areas they have finished.  Maybe we will soon be able to walk down the street without getting our shoes covered in mud.  (How exciting!)

On the way to school we went through some of the harder hit areas.  They, too, are shoveling mud into piles, hauling it away in wheelbarrows, piling trash into central locations...

It's a process, but it's going...

What I've learned...

The day after a crisis is often more difficult than the day of.  The day of is full of activity, community, and adrenaline.  The day after, the excitement is gone but the mess is still there with work to be done.

Mud gets tiresome.  And it weighs a lot more to shovel than snow...

And the day after a crisis, I feel really tired...

I think a nap may be in order, and I think I will welcome returning to classes tomorrow.  It will be good to get back into the comfortable routine.

Tomorrow

I received word that we will have school tomorrow.  As the bus will be passing through some of the harder hit areas on the way to school, I will probably be able to see how bad the damage is.  I talked to another friend today who lives in another part of town.  She says her street is also completely covered in mud, so I'm not really sure at this point how many neighborhoods were affected.  I guess I'll find out over the next few days as I begin to move more around town.

It's still raining off and on.  The electricity still flickers off from time to time, though never for very long.  But I'm assuming that since school is starting things must be starting to get better around the city again.

Today...

was fairly nice, just a little light rain, so I decided to go out to run a few errands.  Once I got about a block away from here, everything looked so clean.  No mud in the streets and the sidewalks.  It was amazing.  And the stores are full of food and people are out shopping.  I think things are back on their way to normal.  It must just be our neighborhood and one other that were hit the worst (the other zone worse than we were).  I don't know what the other neighborhood is like, but our still has a lot of mud, though enough has been cleared that cars can pass around it.  People are still shoveling, but some of it may need to wait for a truck...

So unless something changes before nightfall, I think we're on our way out of this thing.  Who knows, we may even have school again tomorrow.

Thursday morning...

So far the rain has not been as heavy as I expected.  I heard it rain for a little while at about 5 am.  Then it stopped and started up again at 7...it is still raining right now, but not very hard.  I am still praying the storm fizzles out on us.  We'll see how the day goes...

I heard a newspaperman out this morning.  That was kind of comforting...I took it as a sign that, at least for the moment, life is kind of getting back to normal.  The fact that he was even able to walk down our street at all is a drastic change from where we were 24 hours ago.

I heard a car get stuck in the mud after I went to bed last night.  It sounded like a big group of young guys were out trying to get it unstuck again.  Laughing, counting to three, and making loud pushing noises...whatever they did eventually worked, and I heard the car start moving again.  I liked their attitude, though...I didn't hear a single one of them get angry.

I spent part of last night in prayer...the comfortable kind where you just lay back and communicate with God.  Share what's on your heart... For those of you who don't know, it has been a long time since I've been able to pray like that.  It has only been in the last few weeks that I have been able to dive so unreservedly into it again.  I am very, very glad to be able to do it again.

So now I'm ready to get up and start focusing on the day.  Just this day, not two or three more days down the road.  Let today just be and not try to take in more than what this day will bring.  Just rest and let go...trust that, whatever happens, God will bring us through it.

I've heard from so many of you saying you are praying.  Thank-you.  That has been a real blessing.

Verses for the Day

Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; what you will wear.  Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes?  Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them.  Are you not much more valuable than they?  Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?

And why do you worry about clothes?  See how the lilies of the field grow.  They do not labor or spin.  Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these.  If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?

So do not worry, saying, "What shall we eat?" or "What shall we wear?"  For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them.  But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.  Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.  Each day has enough trouble of its own.  Matthew 6:25-34  NIV

Tomorrow will worry about itself...  It certainly will.

Today I am Thankful...

For friends who band together

For food and supplies

For impromptu prayer meetings

For water that keeps running

For rain that stops pouring

For lots of hands that work together to clear mud from the streets

For power that keeps running even after it has gone out for a while

For second floors on buildings

For cinder-block buildings

For peace and tranquility, even in the midst of things...

And that things keep on going...today is followed by tomorrow and tomorrow by the day after that.  This, too, shall pass just like the sun keeps rising morning after morning.

We're in God's hands, and for that I am very, very thankful.

Don't get scared...

if you don't hear from me for a while.  It will most likely just mean the power went out.  If that happens, I'll send an update as soon as I can.

prayer update

Please continue to pray.  The weather forecast says we are supposed to get the worst rains tonight (starting at about 4 or 5 pm and continuing through tomorrow morning).  After that, the storm should begin to improve.

and now...

According to the radio, the price of bottled water has gone up now that people need it more.  Even though the water has gone down, it's so thick with mud that many of them are still impassible for cars.  A few people have died.  There have been mudslides.  They have set up places for people who need help and are collecting donations of food, clothes...I think (if I understood correctly) they are even giving vaccinations for people who were in the water.

Update

And now the flooding is down to curb level, so people are starting to sweep the water back out into the street.

Let the cleanup begin...

Still raining...

but the flooding is definitely going down.

And a photo...

I think the water's going down!!!

I looked out the window and saw that there is now a stripe a couple of inches thick on the walls across the street.  I am hoping this means the water is beginning to subside and that no more is coming for a while.  Please pray that our water and electricity stay on.

The rain...

has let up a little bit.  The flooding doesn't seem to be rising as fast as it was an hour or two ago...

I asked my host mom if there is anything we need to do, and she said we just wait for the floods to go down and then we'll start cleaning up.

Storm Warning...

My dad forwarded the official warning from the National Weather Service.  We are not technically in it, but since we aren't all that far from the border (I'm not sure how far it is exactly, but it takes 4-5 hours to drive it, and that's on windy roads with a lot of speed bumps), we are impacted.  It looks like it's headed north/northeast, so the bulk of it will go away from us.  The morning has consisted of waiting, watching, listening to the radio for updates, and talking to people on the phone.  The school has some flooding...mostly around a drainage ditch that got stopped up, but since it is on high ground, it was only about an inch in the classrooms. 

A TROPICAL STORM WARNING IS IN EFFECT FOR...
* BARRA DE TONALA MEXICO SOUTHEASTWARD TO THE MEXICO/GUATEMALA
BORDER

A TROPICAL STORM WARNING MEANS THAT TROPICAL STORM CONDITIONS ARE
EXPECTED SOMEWHERE WITHIN THE WARNING AREA...IN THIS CASE WITHIN 12
TO 24 HOURS.

FOR STORM INFORMATION SPECIFIC TO YOUR AREA OUTSIDE THE UNITED
STATES...PLEASE MONITOR PRODUCTS ISSUED BY YOUR NATIONAL
METEOROLOGICAL SERVICE.


DISCUSSION AND 48-HOUR OUTLOOK
------------------------------
AT 500 AM PDT...1200 UTC...THE CENTER OF TROPICAL DEPRESSION
TWELVE-E WAS LOCATED NEAR LATITUDE 15.1 NORTH...LONGITUDE 93.5 WEST.
THE DEPRESSION IS MOVING TOWARD THE NORTH NEAR 5 MPH...7 KM/H. A
SLOW NORTHWARD MOTION IS EXPECTED TODAY...FOLLOWED BY A TURN TOWARD
THE NORTHEAST TONIGHT. ON THE FORECAST TRACK...THE CENTER OF THE
DEPRESSION WILL MOVE INLAND IN THE WARNING AREA BY TONIGHT.

MAXIMUM SUSTAINED WINDS REMAIN NEAR 35 MPH...55 KM/H...WITH HIGHER
GUSTS. SOME STRENGTHENING IS POSSIBLE...AND THE DEPRESSION COULD
BECOME A TROPICAL STORM BEFORE THE CENTER REACHES THE COAST.

THE ESTIMATED MINIMUM CENTRAL PRESSURE IS 1005 MB...29.68 INCHES.


HAZARDS AFFECTING LAND
----------------------
RAINFALL...THE DEPRESSION IS EXPECTED TO PRODUCE TOTAL RAIN
ACCUMULATIONS OF 5 TO 10 INCHES OVER PORTIONS OF THE THE MEXICAN
STATES OF OAXACA AND CHIAPAS AS WELL AS PORTIONS OF GUATEMALA...
WITH POSSIBLE ISOLATED MAXIMUM AMOUNTS OF 15 INCHES.

WIND...TROPICAL STORM CONDITIONS ARE EXPECTED TO REACH THE
COAST WITHIN THE WARNING AREA BY THIS AFTERNOON OR THIS EVENING.

power

Should the power go out, I will not be able to access internet. 

And some more...

I mentioned mudslides earlier...in the last hurricane that hit here, there were mudslides that actually prevented relief supplies getting into the city.  Please pray that the roads will stay clear.  Not just for us but for all the areas being affected. 

Right now we don't have much to do besides wait and watch the flooding...our electricity has flickered a few times, but so far it hasn't gone out completely.  Hopefully we will continue to have power and water from the tap...

Another map...

Here's another map you might find helpful:

http://www.baynews9.com/weather/tropical

I misunderstood...

The storm is actually coming into Mexico from the Pacific, so it's coming, not going.  I heard it hit Puerto Vallarta at about 1 am.  So how long this lasts, according to the map, just depends on in what direction the storm is moving. 

more info...

Here is a link to a weather map as of 1 am.  I sincerely hope the storm has moved on quite a bit from that time. 

http://www.weather.com/weather/map/interactive/Quetzaltenango+Guatemala+GTXX0005

Please pray for the city.  They don't have the infrastructure cities in the U.S. have.  Please pray that the water will go down and the damage will be minimal.  Thankfully the houses are mostly cement, but some are of mud blocks...please pray that God will enable the people here to bounce back as quickly as possible.

And more flooding...

Classes have been canceled.  Apparently there is flooding around the school so no one can get there.  Other parts of the city are flooded as well, some worse than here.  I have heard the flooding near Las Rosas is very bad.  Hopefully the rain will stop soon so the water can start to go down.

flooding

If you check the tropical weather forecast, there is something sitting right over our part of Guatemala.  I can't tell if it's part of the tropical storm that is going through Mexico or something separate that is producing A LOT of rain.  It rained all yesterday morning, which is very unusual.  Then it POURED all night...

And flooded our neighborhood.

I woke up at a little before 5 to my host family waking up and getting to action on the flooding downstairs.  (Thankfully, the house has two floors, so we have somewhere to go.)  At the moment, the rain is still coming down.  Last time I saw somebody walk by in the street, the water was waist deep.  Apparently, the last time a hurricane came through here, it was another part of town that flooded.  My host mom doesn't think we'll have to leave...at least she hopes the water won't get that high.  We do have a roof to go to if it comes to that...we would have to get A LOT more rain before resorting to that, though.

Hopefully the rain will stop soon so everything can go down.  I've heard that's what it typically does here as soon as soon as the rain has somewhere to go.

Fear...

And once again fear takes over...

Fear of what the consequences of this mess will be...

Fear that the ramifications of this will trail after me, leaving a wave of destruction behind it...

Fear that God won't be able to sort it out.  That's God's good won't be good enough...

You get the picture. 

I know it's a cliche, but I think I need to "let go and let God." :-)

Emotions...

Here are some thoughts from today's Slice of Infinity:

An article in a psychology journal recently made a case for the importance of human emotion...Emotions exist to warn us that there are specific underlying beliefs or behaviors that are endangering us. Thus, deeming emotions like fear, doubt, or despair as negative or unwanted, we distract ourselves from heeding their warning...

In the weighted words of the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus took the strenuous commandments of the law and the prophets to an exhausting new level. He explained that it was not merely murder that God forbade, but anger burning toward another person. It was not just adultery that corrupted God's intention for marriage but even lust at all. He carried the sins God abhors to the emotions they are rooted in, inviting us to see the power of our emotions and the creator in the midst of them. Our actions do not come merely by impulse, but by a system of values to which a life is committed. Emotions, like pain, are the alarm system of the body. They will lead us to God or further away from God... 

Like an alarm warning the owner that there is something amiss in the building, our emotions hint at what is moving in our depths.

Hymns

I went for a walk after church today.  I had some errands to run and things to think about, and processing difficult situations always seems to work better when my feet are moving.

By the time I came home, I had come to a few conclusions.  One, if God commands us to forgive, then he will enable us to it...it's not entirely on our shoulders to concoct the right emotions.  Two, if it's a problem between "family" in the church, he is a listening ear and is a Father to both...

So we spent some time in "conversation", and I came home with a much, much lighter heart.

Then, because a friend had posted a link to some country style gospel music on her blog, I ended up doing a search of my own and came across the following songs.  The first because it was on my heart when I came home today.  The others because they are songs I remember learning at the church services at the nursing home when we would go to visit my great-grandma.  They are some of the first hymns I ever learned.  Even now, there is something very soothing to hearing hymns sung in a traditional style, especially when I hear a group of elderly voices lifted in song.  So these are in their memory.  I hope you enjoy them.

http://youtu.be/p74pB-WhsWE Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus
http://youtu.be/Z9XZ_HSquUQ  Blessed Assurance
http://youtu.be/yzzqhaLl_8w  In the Garden
http://youtu.be/wpfsZZ9X5n8 I Love to Tell the Story

Side effects and consequences...

I spent a lot of time in church this morning praying for forgiveness...to learn how so I can move forward unscathed and not grow bitter.

What I realized is that I'm not as angry now as I am hurt...and I realized that is because cutting out those parts of life that are not healthy can still be painful, even if, in the long run, taking this path is really much, much better.

It's like how doctors have to remove the dead skin when a person has been burned.  The dead skin has to go before the person can heal...

Or like in The Voyage of the Dawn Treader when Aslan peels the dragon skin from Eustace's body...it was painful, but the long-term effects were healthy and good.

I know things will get better.  I can throw out the bad and choose to keep the good. 

And trust that God will be faithful.  Even now, I can tell the anger is more distant than it was before, removed from me just enough that I can see I will get through it...

I'll take the lessons I gained from the experience and move on.  It's definitely not the end of the world.

On a side note, I had forgotten how trials here are so closely linked with homesickness.  I am bracing myself against it and actively reminding myself that this one experience does not reflect on this place as a whole.

On another side note, the fleas are back again...but when my mom asked about them the other day, I told her I actually really prefer them to what I was going through just a few days before.  Compared to that situation, the fleas are like long-lost, welcome friends.  (By comparison, of course.  I still won't mourn too much when they're gone. :-)

Huskers game

I caught the fourth quarter on TV--that was AWESOME!

web streaming...

I went online today to see if I could find live streaming of the Huskers game on one of the radio stations...for some reason, though, the only channel I could find where the streaming worked on my computer wasn't playing the Husker game; it was playing Rush Limbaugh.  I thought that was funny. :-)

Tranquilidad

I found myself starting to relax this afternoon and actually start to enjoy myself as I set about running some errands after school.  Finally feeling myself loosen up after the tense emotions of the past few days...

There is promise it may be resolved now.  And if it does raise its head again, it is not something I need to worry about right now.

For now, I am simply savoring this precious moment of returning peace.

Past blogs

Wow, I just went back and reread the blog about the Jerram Barrs quote.  Talk about perfect timing...

Windows and Mirrors

In my cross-cultural communication class in college, I learned that sometimes interacting with people around us can function like a mirror, allowing us to better understand ourselves. 

But sometimes, I am learning, our interactions with others are more like a window...

What other people choose to do isn't always a reflection of ourselves.  Sometimes they just choose to act...and for good or bad, that is what happens.  That is what ripples out, affecting other people. 

It is not always a reflection of what the people around them did or did not do. 

That's probably obvious to some people, but it's something I'm still pondering and learning to figure out. 

Troubles

I read this quote by Charles Spurgeon today:

Our heavenly Father sends us frequent troubles to test our faith. If our faith is worth anything, it will stand the test. Gilt is afraid of fire, but gold is not: The imitation gem dreads being touched by the diamond, but the true jewel fears no test. It is a poor faith that can only trust God when friends are true, the body is healthy, and the business profitable; but it is true faith that rests in the Lord's faithfulness when friends are gone, the body is ailing, spirits are depressed, and the light of our Father's face is hidden. A faith that can say, in the deepest trouble, "Though he slay me, I will hope in him"¹ is heaven-born faith.

I've been starting to question myself, think if I had only found just the right words to say, shown just the right reaction, perhaps this crisis could have been averted...but, no, when I am entirely honest, I realize it just happened.  Someone made a choice, and God allowed it to happen.  And I'll get through it.  It isn't something that will follow me forever.  And it isn't something I brought about.  It just happened, and I'll learn from it, and I'll move forward stronger because of it...

I hope.  It's a little hard to say for sure when I'm right in the middle, but past experiences have shown that I can have that hope.  (I'm just really tired.  Give me a good weekend of sleep, and I'll have a much brighter perspective. :-)

Today

I am so glad tomorrow is Friday.  I am physically and emotionally worn out...it has been a long week.  A very, very long week.  Such a combination of emotions accompanied by stress and a few almost sleepless nights.  I'm so tired...I'm thinking now might be a good time to just get ready for bed, put on a podcast, and look forward to tomorrow.  Things usually look better by early morning light and a night of rest...

Thought for the Day

This one is thanks to friend...

Deut 31.8

“don’t be afraid for the Lord will go before you and will be with you. He will not fail or forsake you.”

Today

Things look a lot brighter this morning than they did 24 hours ago...I am hopeful things are well on their way to being resolved.  If not, there is a plan, but I am optimistic this will be the end of it.

Community

Today I am thankful for community.  They took a very difficult situation and helped me start sorting it out while also giving me the sense that they were standing beside me so I wouldn't have to face it on my own.  For that I am very grateful.

Lesson for the day...

Just because you meet someone in church does NOT make them trustworthy.

Podcast...

I had trouble sleeping last night, so I decided to listen to some Jerram Barrs podcasts I had downloaded a while back.  And in one of them he said that one of the greatest heresies today is the idea that we have control over what will happen to us...(I don't have the exact quote since I was laying in bed hoping to fall back asleep, not taking notes.)  But it makes sense.  I know my own sense of control can get out of hand, that grasping desire to do everything for myself so I won't have to lean on anyone else (including God).  Sure, I give God the lip service, but when it comes down to it, I have to admit that very often the trust is in myself alone.  If I worry enough, maybe the good things will happen... If I consider every alternative perhaps disaster can be averted... It's a delicate balance between living irresponsibly and trying to take too much control, living in fear that even hoping for something will ensure it will not happen.  Maybe the answer is in remembering who God is.  That he is good.  That he has the capability of turning even the most horrific of circumstances into something good...

Maybe the answer is in paying more attention to him and less attention to what I may or may not be doing or fearing might go wrong.

Thoughts on grading...

I hate grading papers...I love grading student writing, don't mind grading quizzes and tests, even enjoy grading projects from time to time, but I hate grading daily work.  One would think that, given complete freedom to grade my students in the way I see fit, I would have found a way around this by now.  Instead, I spent a couple of hours today sifting through papers, reading through grammar exercises, and entering scores in my gradebook.

I put headphones into the computer and listened to music--that helped.  But I am starting to wonder if I should invest in a clipboard and grade the way I was shown in some of my education classes--as the students work.  That way I could focus my attention outside of class grading the things I really enjoy (and lesson planning, which is something I enjoy even more).  It's worth a thought, but I guess we're going to be entering into a writing project soon, anyway, so it will be a while before I'll need to put that thought into action...

Either that or I can just wax eloquent in a poem, something along the lines of my favorite Jack Prelutsky poem, the one that begins with: Homework, oh homework, I hate you, you stink, I wish I could wash you away in the sink...

Should my thoughts about grading ever make their way into a poem, I'll make sure to post it here so everyone can enjoy it. :-)

(Oh, and on an exciting side note, I found the most recent Notes from Toad Hall in my mailbox after school.  Yay!  I think I know what I'll be reading tonight. :-)

Church

I decided to visit a presbyterian church this morning...I had never gone inside this particular church before--perhaps because it looked like it might be gloomy inside, perhaps because I heard someone tell of someone they knew who visited that church and was asked to sing a song for the congregation in English...I don't sing well, so at that time, I thanked my lucky stars I hadn't happened to visit THAT church when I was church-hunting.

Well, I now know people who attend this church and was assured that visitors are not requested to sing the congregation a song.  They are, however, asked to speak into a microphone.  I wasn't excited about that.  But when it came time for visitors to stand up, a missions team from America was introduced and their leader said his piece.  Then a Guatemalan man stood up and greeted the congregation in the microphone.  I, however, did not raise my hand or stand.  Instead, I stayed seated next to some Americans I knew had visited the church before and did my best NOT to look like a first time visitor.  It worked, too.  Nobody called me on it or asked for my name.  I was very excited.  I personally do not support requiring visitors to stand up and address the congregation.  I don't even like standing up to receive a "distinguished visitor" sticker.  (But that's just me. :-)

I was looking forward to the more traditional service this morning, and the longer hymns were a welcome change.  However, I was disappointed to hear another sermon that was only loosely based on scripture.  Finding a church where the sermon is framed around scripture is proving fairly hard to find.  So far the pentecostal church comes closest, so I will probably just continue going there. 

Football

Since the Husker game was on ABC, I was actually able to watch it here.  Usually there is lots of family around, but tonight was more quiet, the TV was available, and nobody had any problems with me going into the living room to watch it.  So I got my fix of Husker football.  A welcome taste of home. :-)

(Honestly, I think I was mostly watching to see Pelini chewing his gum on the sidelines...that sight alone made me feel like I was home again. :-)

Homesick...

I'm feeling homesick today, really for the first time since I've gotten here.  And what am I homesick for?  Husker football.

Now, to understand this, you really need to know that I have never before come even remotely close to saying anything like this before. 

I resisted the Husker football culture when I first moved to town, partly because everyone was telling me that getting drawn in would be inevitable.

I definitely didn't think I would miss it when I was gone...

Yet here I am.  In Guatemala.  Thinking that nothing would be better than to be able to watch tomorrow's football game in the company of friends.

Apparently the culture snuck up on me, and Husker football is now synonymous with home.

Poem

I came across this ode of Pablo Neruda today when I was preparing a lesson for my students.  I like the attitude behind it.  (I've pasted the poem in both Spanish and English below):

ODA A LA TRISTEZA

Tristeza, escarabajo
de siete patas rotas,
huevo de telaraña,
rata descalabrada,
esqueleto de perra:
Aquí no entras.
No pasas.
Ándate.
Vuelve
al Sur con tu paraguas,
vuelve
al Norte con tus dientes de culebra.
Aquí vive un poeta.
La tristeza no puede
entrar por estas puertas.
Por las ventanas
entra el aire del mundo,
las rojas rosas nuevas,
las banderas bordadas
del pueblo y sus victorias.
No puedes,
Aquí no entras.
Sacude
tus alas de murciélago,
yo pisaré las plumas
que caen de tu manto,
yo barreré los trozos
de tu cadáver hacia
las cuatro puntas del viento,
yo te torceré el cuello,
te coseré los ojos,
cortaré tu mortaja
y enterraré tus huesos roedores
bajo la primavera de un manzano.
(http://www.poesi.as/)

ODE TO SADNESS

Sadness, scarab
with seven crippled feet,
spiderweb egg,
scramble-brained rat,
bitch's skeleton: (Note: In the Spanish, this literally refers to a dog that is female...)
No entry here.
Don't come in.
Go away.
Go back
south with your umbrella,
go back
north with your serpent's teeth.
A poet lives here.
No sadness may
cross this threshold.
Through these windows
comes the breath of the world,
fresh red roses,
flags embroidered with
the victories of the people.
No.
No entry.
Flap
your bat's wings,
I will trample the feathers
that fall from your mantle,
I will sweep the bits and pieces
of your carcass to
the four corners of the wind,
I will wring your neck,
I will stitch your eyelids shut,
I will sew your shroud,
sadness, and bury your rodent bones
beneath the springtime of an apple tree.
(from http://www.romanticlovesecrets.com/ode-to-sadness-sad-love-poems.html)