Thoughts on Stability and Change...

It's getting to be that time of year when my thoughts begin to turn to what I plan on doing at the end of this school year.  This is with good reason.  Usually in working overseas, contracts are reissued in Dec or Jan so the schools can begin the hiring process for positions that will be left empty when school ends in the spring.

Sometimes, this decision has been easy.  The first time I came here, I had a feeling I would be staying for two or more years.  So signing the first contract at that time was easy.  Other decisions have been harder.

This time around, I'm not sure what my decision will be.  I'm open to staying longer...and I'm open to going away.  However, going away would have to involve finding another opportunity, having a reason to go away.  Which is entirely possible...I just, right now, don't know what that opportunity would be. 

So I have been thinking about where life is going, what I'd like my life to be...and thinking a lot about stability and what stability really means.

Is stability a nice house and two cars?  Is stability finding a place with lots of friends and family around?  Is stability in affluence or finding a place to settle after moving around?

While I would love to say yes to any one of those questions, my heart knows the rest...those illusions of things that seem so strong and powerful (while important) don't last forever.  While I won't deny that some of these things I label as "stable" are true blessings when you have them, a day will come when it will begin to fall apart...whether through death, decay, or simply the passage of time. 

When I worked in assisted living, what struck me was how temporal the stages of life really are.  Those years with small children that seem to last forever...the house that turns into a home that hears so many tears and laughter.  Eventually the children grow up...and eventually the house is downsized to something smaller...treasures are sorted and divvied out to family and friends...and eventually each and every one of us will slow down and begin to die...

Even when our lives seemed so secure for so long.

So I find myself wondering what stability really is.  Is stability holding our blessings with open hands?  Trusting God to guide us through it?  Having faith that one day we really will find restoration--friendships that last forever, unending life and health--knowing that, one day, we will not be subject to this kind of change? 

Maybe this life itself is drastically unstable.  And maybe stability only comes through holding on to the only one who isn't swayed or changed by it...

And maybe outwardly that kind of life doesn't always look all that "stable" at all. 

There are times I really want to just trust my eyes.  Let the illusions remain and convince myself they will not fail...but I don't need to look very far to see what will become of them. 

Maybe planning for the future involves getting my heart in the right place.  Seeing things clearly from that perspective...

So I don't have an answer yet about what I intend to do the next school year.  But I'll be thinking and praying and weighing pros and cons...and hopefully getting an idea of what my life should look like, or at the very least, what I hope my life to look like next...

And if I don't get the big picture, I'll just content myself with taking the very next step.  Living day by day has pros as well as cons.

Of Mountains and Valleys...

I have been reading the book Praying Jesus' Way by Curtis C. Mitchell.

In it, he discussed how Jesus often climbed mountains to pray. 


I am beginning to understand the appeal of that.


There is something about standing on a mountainside overlooking the valley that puts life into perspective.

Parade

I went for a walk this afternoon and happened across a big Christmas parade winding its way through the park.  In honor of the lighting of the giant Christmas tree there, perhaps?  So I decided to forego my walk in honor of watching the parade.

It was interesting.  I stood beside a taxi with the driver sound asleep in the front seat and a car with a really touchy alarm system that went off every once in a while as people walked past it.  I enjoyed the marching bands.  My favorite was the one with people marching in military style at the front.  Every so often firecrackers were set off around them to sound like gun fire.  Very interesting.  There was float shooting out what appeared to be a light spray of fake snow (but was really just tiny little pieces of paper).  They had the characters from the movie Up! as well as Papa Smurf in a Santa hat.  There were dance crews and floats with advertisements (all throwing out candy).  And then there were the costumes...I have to admit, as a foreigner, that the costumes left me confused.  It kind of looked like somebody raided the costume stores to use whatever was available, but maybe there was a some connection between them that, not being from here, I simply failed to understand.  Like the grown men dressed like elves that had something in their mouths that, from a distance, resembled cigarettes.  Or the girls in black dresses and wigs and candy-corn hats (that looked like they belonged in a Halloween parade instead of Christmas).  And the group of women wearing plastic masks that (I think) were intended to look like Barbie dolls.  (The rows of expressionless faces reminded me more of something from the movies--the Stepford wives or something.)  And my personal favorite: the Vikings/cavemen, a few of which appeared to have hints of clown makeup on their masks, who danced their way down the street to the beat of the music.  My best guess is that they were supposed to be dressed as the toys children would want to receive for Christmas, but I'm really not sure.

All in all, it was fun, though.  A fun prelude to what is coming at Christmas.

Community

Community is like a cozy blanket.  The kind made of fabric tied into knots.  Each little contact woven together with other contacts until, even when things around get chilly, you still feel safe and warm.  I'm thankful for community.

Life is unexpected...

the way we weave in and out of each other's lives.

I went to the Mormon temple yesterday.  It is open to the public for two weeks in honor of its construction.  I took a bus there and climbed the hill to the temple's entrance.  There I joined a group of others being led into a nearby building to watch a preliminary video.  Then, as I was waiting with my group for our turn to tour the temple, on of my students found me.  She was volunteering at the temple as a translator for any foreigners in the crowd, but since there were no foreigners at that moment, she decided to stay with me as we walked through the temple.

It was very interesting.  She answered so many of my questions, giving all kinds of details that were not included in the official tour, pointing out the hand-woven carpets, the paint made with real gold and chandaliers made of crystal, as well as answering my questions about the customs and how the temple itself is used.  I felt like I had my own personal tour. 

Then, as we left, I stopped to take a survey.  Then I chatted with a missionary from Alaska also volunteering at the temple. 

Then I ran into some friends who gave me a ride home since, during the tour, it had gotten quite dark...

A wonderful evening filled with friendship...

And a phone call from another friend, who received a job offer in the U.S. and will be leaving us soon.  Bittersweet.  I'm excited for her but so sad to see her go. 

Not that she will be gone entirely, but it will be different...

There is a part of me that wants to cling and make life stable, but I am learning that part of contentment is letting go.  Not completely, and I don't mean not caring--but letting it be, even when it's hard...accepting the ebb and flow because, after all, all these pieces will eventually be made right in the end.  The coming and going is a friendship added, a lesson learned.  And I've seen over the years how people from the past can make new appearances.  They never really go away completely, they just add to the whole.  They may seem to disappear for a while, but after a while, they often come back again.  Or in a different way.  But they're always there, somewhere, making a difference even in their waiting.

happenings...

There was a half-marathon in town on Sunday.  Lots of roads were blocked off since it went all around the city.  I went to the early service at church only to find out there was no service that early last week.  Instead, since the bishop was coming, they were combining the English and Spanish services into one and people were going to be confirmed.  So I just hung out at the church and helped/watched as the people in charge prepared for the bishop's visit.  Apparently, when the bishop is there, there is a slightly different protocol that needs to be followed, so I had an up-close-and-personal view of the preparations for the whole shebang.  The church was unusually crowded, and there was a lot more English included to accommodate for those who were joining the church from the first service.  It was kind of nice to hear the scripture readings in English, too, for a change.  While I can follow the Spanish pretty well, the English seems to have a more direct pathway to my heart.  The service started late, though...the bishop was delayed in arriving to the church because of all the roadblocks for the half-marathon.  But, in the end, he arrived and all went smoothly.

Today, I happened to ask one of my classes, "At one point did you learn it was appropriate to talk when the teacher is talking?"  And after rephrasing my question for them so they understood what I was asking, they actually gave me an answer.  They said they had had a bad experience with a teacher the year before, so they decided to stop listening to her.  I nicely explained to them how it made me feel when they talk when I do, and after that they were super-polite.  It was a question I hadn't planned on asking, but in the end, it went really well.

And we have a student from Sweden staying with us now through the holidays.  And another person from Guatemala City arrived...it's nice to have a full house again after several weeks of life being more quiet. 

Thoughts on "home"...

I went for a walk this afternoon, to get some exercise and think through some things...

Like where my life is going...
Whether or not I think I want to sign on to come back next year...
And if I don't come back next year, then what?..
And what it means to have a home...
And what is the true meaning of family and community...
And is it truly possible to even begin to find all of that here and now, on this side of eternity?

I thought of Abraham and how he was promised a homeland yet lived his entire life in a tent.  And I was reminded of a song I remember hearing when I was young:

This world is not my home, I'm just a passin' through.
My treasures are laid up somewhere beyond the blue.
The angels beckon me from heaven's open door,
that's why I can't feel at home in this world anymore...

And the MercyMe song:

I close my eyes, and I see your face
If home's where my heart is, then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now...

And all those people in Hebrew's hall of faith that received the promise but never saw it come to pass during their lifetime...

So where would I go from here?  What would I do?  Would any other place I went simply bring about more of the same? 

Or is life simply a matter of letting go?  Learning to live without that promise...believing it will come yet waiting and waiting and waiting...waiting for eternity so we can begin to see?

But if that's the case, then why did Jesus raise Lazarus from the dead?  When Martha said he would rise again when the Lord came, why didn't Jesus just say, "okay"?

Yet he let John the Baptist die.  He didn't reattach his head the way he repaired the ear of the servant in the Garden of Gethsemane.

So what is the meaning of life as we live it?  (Don't worry, I don't intend to sum that up in one simple blog entry. :-)  What are we doing?  Why are we here?  And where is the balance between living life and stepping back to merely accept it?  When do we dare to dream? 

As I was contemplating these things, I came across a bush with small yellow flowers.  Slightly wilted (with dry season upon us the flowers are past their prime), yet still pretty.  I stopped to look them over.  Enjoy the burst of color before moving on my way.  Stopping to "smell the flowers," one could say. 

I came here expecting to learn more about home, but I still find myself almost entirely without answers. 

I still don't have my answers, and I don't really know what else to say.  So perhaps it's a good time to end this blog entry, at least for today.

Do you ever get the feeling...

when you pray like God is giving you a pillow and blanket and making you comfortable for the long haul?  That what you are praying for is going to take a lot of waiting, but God is there and telling you it's going to be okay? 

Thought for the Day...

You learn to speak by speaking, to study by studying, to run by running, to work by working; and just so you learn to love God and man by loving.  Begin as a mere apprentice and the very power of love will lead you on to become a master of the art.  --Francis de Sales

Blessings...

Surprising little things can brighten the day...

Like a surprise fireworks display in honor of the lighting of the biggest Christmas tree in the city.  The view from our roof was wonderful.  An impromptu celebration.

And a chance to go out and try something new.  Like having tea on the balcony of a cafe overlooking a park lit up by city lights.  Or going afterwards to hear a live band play...

Ropa

My pajamas are beginning to take up almost a load of laundry in and of themselves...I had already been wearing two layers of clothes to bed, but I added a third shirt to the mix a few nights ago--this one with a hood that I can pull over my head at night when I get cold.  People say that it is unusually cold for November...we  might be in for a really cold January if this is how things continue.  I think I better plan accordingly and bring back more cold weather clothes when I am home.

Great quote

I came across these words from Charles Spurgeon this morning:

Let the winds rush and howl, and let the waters lift themselves, though the vessel may rock and her deck may be washed with waves and her mast may creak under the pressure of the full and swelling sail, it is then that she makes headway toward her desired haven.

No flowers are as lovely a blue as those that grow at the foot of the frozen glacier; no stars gleam as brightly as those that glisten in the midnight sky; no water tastes as sweet as that which springs up in the desert sand; and no faith is so precious as that which lives and triumphs in adversity.

patience

My mom told me today that I have a tendency to be impatient...I guess it's true.  I think it has to do with not trusting that the good will happen...so I want what I am hoping for to happen soon to reassure me it will ever come to me at all.

I guess that's where faith comes in.  And I suppose that's where trials can come in handy...all of that "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverence" that James talks about. 

Maybe perseverence isn't such a bad thing after all...especially if it does lead to being "mature and complete, not lacking anything."

And maybe perseverence is hinged on knowing that what you hope for is coming after all...and with that comes patience and trusting that the timing will come together in the end.

Maybe trials and perseverence and suffering and patience can be good things.  Even when in the midst of things, it can all seem rather dark...

So maybe patience is the answer and not something to be resisted and complained about in blog after blog. :-)  Maybe the answer is to learn from it, let it be given as a gift from God, something learned in the midst of the circumstances.  A lesson learned with trust--trust that we can get through it.  Trust that the trial will not last any longer than we can endure with the help of God.  That when we get weak, help will be there.  And we don't need to worry that it will go on forever.  We can keep the end in sight along with the one who holds that end in his hands, and hold on, trusting him to be our deliverer and make us strong.

translation

Next week the students in the high school community service class will be helping a medical team with translation between English and Spanish.  My students asked me if we could practice medical vocabulary in class today to help prepare, so I need to go online and find words and phrases. 

"patience in suffering"

I'm signed up to lead both high school and middle school chapel next week (back to back on the same day).  The topic this month is "patience" and when I compared notes with a fellow teacher who led chapel this week, I found out we are both going off of the same passage of scripture: the section in James on having patience in suffering.  (There is no problem in this since we are going different directions for it--there is definitely enough to "patience in suffering" to fill two chapel sessions.)  This other teacher commented how it seems like every time she starts to plan a chapel, she ends up dealing with what she is going to have to be talking about.  I told her (only half-joking) that I think next time I want to sign up for an easier topic.  Right after the flood, I had to do a chapel on "peace."  Now, in the midst of other struggles, I will be discussing "patience."  Hmmm....unfortunately, I don't think there are any fruits of the Spirit that deal with "taking it easy" or "sliding by on good experiences." :-)  So maybe I'll just have to continue forward and just deal with whatever I have to deal with in light of things...

So for next week, I am planning on showing some clips from the movie Amazing Grace and show some YouTube videos for some songs that deal with waiting (like Savior, Please; There Will Be a Day; Praise You in this Storm; and While I'm Waiting).  And then talk about, in light of James, what we can do while we wait (not grumbling, looking forward to our future hope of Jesus' return and the ultimate restoration, etc).  I'll see...I might put together a skit about the importance of having the end goal in sight (comparing two people on a journey--one who doesn't really have any reason to do it or any assurance of a reward at the end of it, and one with the clear goal in mind.)  I helped a teacher last week with a skit on Job cast with teachers, and found out we have some talented actors on staff.  That could work...

And...

all's well that ends well...

Madrugada...

I find myself letting go...after several days of worry, stress, pain, grieving...I'm letting go.  Letting it be.  Trusting God and moving on.

And what triggered this in me?  It has been a process, but I think the definite turning point was coming across a song.  A particular song that was meaningful to me during a very dark time in my life.  A song that helped me remember who God is and who I am in him...and if he was there during that time of my life, there is no question he is at work now.  And if he could carry me through that, guide me through that dark, thorny path when I didn't see that there was any way, then I'm in good hands now...regardless of what happens...

It's not that things are easy now.  Life still involves a lot of holding on, just focusing on today.  But it's getting better, and it will be okay.

Thought for the Day

I came across these thoughts by Charles Spurgeon today, based on Isaiah 49:16, which says, "Behold, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands..."

He cries, "How can I have forgotten you, when I have engraved you on the palms of My hands?  How dare you doubts My constant remembrance when the memorial is carved upon My own flesh?"  O unbelief, what a strange marvel you are!  We do not know what to wonder at most--the faithfulness of God or the unbelief of His people.  He keeps His promise a thousand times, and yet the next trial makes us doubt Him.

He never fails; He is never a dry well; He is never as a setting sun, a passing meteor, or a melting vapor; and yet we are as continually troubled with anxieties, molested with suspicions, and disturbed with fears as if our God were a mirage of the desert.

Blessings...

I am so thankful for the chance to talk to my mom via the internet this time around...she has a knack for getting to the heart of the issues I am dealing with and help me come up with answers.  I really appreciate it.

And today I came across a couple of songs that were meaningful to me at the heart of some very low times...it was a good reminder of how God has been there through the darkest times in the past--which means he will definitely be in what is happening now.

This morning...

I hate when God asks us to hope for the impossible...it would be a lot easier to hope if what we were hoping for was at least a little more likely...

I got into an argument with God about that this morning on my way to church.  I won't share exactly what I said (if I did, I would burst any bubble anyone has about me being "holy"), but let's just suffice it to say I was mad.

The crazy thing is, it's not that what I am hoping for is impossible...it just to me seems highly unlikely, unlikely to the point of being in the realm of the impossible.  And the longer I wait, the more the battle rages inside of me.  Wanting to dream, but not daring to be disappointed.

Like the Shunammite woman narrowing her eyes and saying, "Don't mislead your servant, O man of God"...

There is part of me that just wants to tell God not to even go there...don't play with this.  If it's not going to come to pass, don't mess with me.  Touching those emotions if it's not going to come to pass is too painful.

Yet the more I pray about it, the more I get the sense I should continue to dream.  It is uncomfortable.  It would be easier to just be surprised with it one day.  Out of the blue.  Without the forewarning and having to learn to hold on to the dream.

Dreaming is hard.  Having hope is still harder.  Holding on to a dream when the world's experiences seem against it is almost impossible.

Yet day by day, I keep plodding through it.  For whatever reason, God doesn't appear to want me to let go (at least if I am hearing from him correctly).  If I'm wrong, perhaps I have an "out" and can go away and do whatever I please...

Unfortunately, though, I don't believe that "out" is there and think I better stick to the path laid out before me. 

So here's to another day of plodding through it and working to keep the dream alive...

Worrying...(or "Some Thoughts on Phineas and Ferb")

I was thinking about worrying and patience this evening, and this song came to mind...In this particular Phineas and Ferb episode, the kids are watching the creation to keep it from disappearing (as usually happens) before their mom comes home. However, I found the song has some parallels to dealing with situations that come up in real life...situations dealing with worry and hope and how to be patient on the line between the two.

Enjoy the song, listen to the lyrics, and I'll leave you to draw your own conclusions before sharing my own.

Experiment: Day One...

Less than two hours into the first complete day of my experiment of looking on the brighter things.  This is HARD.  I am constantly having to catch myself and turn my brain back to the other way of seeing things.  Who knew worrying was so deeply ingrained...

Trust...

I have been noticing an interesting phenomenon this week...when given the option to worry about possibilities or trust God, I consistently choose to worry.  It's not that I prefer the worst option...I would actually be very thrilled if my worrying is proved wrong...it's just that I fear trusting...

It's not something I would have said before.  But after having observed my own reactions over the past few days, I can see that it is true.

I fear hope.  I fear trusting.  I would rather worry myself sick and be pleasantly surprised when I am wrong than live in peace and contentment and then let God catch me if I am wrong.

God doesn't carry me so much when I worry preemptively...it's not that he doesn't care; he just doesn't step in and help supernaturally the way he does when I'm hit with an actual disaster.

Perhaps that has to do with the Bible saying not to worry... :-)

So I don't want to trust...I find it easier to prep for disaster than look forward to what might come.  And my reasoning for doing this?  I listened in on my thoughts earlier, and this is what I heard:

You didn't save my brother...

I thought I had dealt with that already...

I guess in the process of accepting hardship, I had somehow forgotten how to trust that God would ever deliver anything better, thinking that's for the hereafter, not for the here and now...

Yet in James today, I read about Job, about how he was patient in suffering and had what was lost restored to him.  So maybe, at least sometimes, we do get to see some of the restoration in the here and now. 

In the meantime, it might be nice to save myself the worry and stress...to hope now and then and wait to face the cold, hard facts when they come and stare me square in the face.  God's always there when that happens.  He carries the bulk of the load...

When I worry, though, I find I do a lot of that on my own...I think I'd like to learn to hope. 

Maybe I'll make that my meta (goal) for the weekend.  By Sunday night, I hope to have taken some strides in learning how to hope.  For the next 48 hours...I'll start right now and I'll see how it goes. :-)

Worry is a strange thing...

It's like a sheet of glass that colors everything.  When I'm worried, the situation appears one way.  When I get a reprieve from the worry, it appears in another.  And when I bounce between the two, my emotions go back and forth.  Perhaps this has something to do with what James wrote about the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed about by the wind?

There are lots of good reasons not to worry...now if I could begin to put not worrying into practice...

James chapter 1...

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds...

Pure joy.  I don't think I've ever been able to recite this verse without a little bit of grumbling on my part.  Couldn't it have said "consider it useful" or "consider it valuable for learning lessons"...but pure joy?  You've got to be kidding me, right?  Now, I realize perseverance is useful.  And I realize that, yes, these trials are working to make me mature and complete, not lacking anything...but I still find it hard to consider those trials cause to be joyful...especially not at the time.  Especially not at levels that could be measured at anything close to being defined as pure joy. 

I suppose this is the point where I should come up with an uplifting ending to this blog, set everything right, but right now I think any response I come up with would just be canned.  So, for now, I'll just say...

To be continued...

Happy mood...

I surprised myself this afternoon by falling into a very good mood...kind of a surprise after the past few days.  Even more surprising is the way I find myself fighting it.  If only I fought bad moods with so much vigor!  Apparently I resist being happy without a logical reason but have no problem whatsoever worrying about anything or everything without the slightest bit of proof.  That's something I should probably begin working on turning around...

I guess I could start right now by attempting to hold back the urge to fight my good mood.  Just sit back and enjoy it...thank God I can spend an evening with so much joy in my heart...just let the good mood be and stop trying to quell it...

Perhaps I'll get into my pajamas and listen to Jerram Barrs discuss J.R.R. Tolkein...that would make a happy ending to a surprisingly happy day.

Thought for the Day

I came across this quote today.  I like his attitude.  I would like more of it myself.

Even if I knew that tomorrow the world would go to pieces, I would still plant my apple tree. --Martin Luther

Poem

Last Friday my students had a poetry party to read the odes that they had written in the style of Pablo Neruda.  In the process of planning the party, my students asked that I share an ode as well...so here it is, my first attempt at Spanish poetry. :-)  (I've translated it into English below, and I apologize for the lack of accent marks.  I still haven't figured out how to make those with my computer.)

Oda a los sueños perdidos

En la madrugada

Acostada en la cama

Telarañas de memorias, semi-desconocidas

desvaneciendo, casi recordado

desapareciendo en las esquinas

calladas, tranquilas, olvidadas...

desapareciendo en los abismos

de la mente

Mi mente, mi misterio

Huyendo a la vez a un lugar

escondido

Solo la memoria de una

emocion, sentimiento

Un recuerdo por un momento

y se fue, y ya no mas

 

 

Ode to lost dreams

At dawn

Laying in my bed

Spiderwebs of memories, partially unknown

fading, almost remembered

disappearing in corners

quiet, tranquil, forgotten...

disappearing in the chasms

of my mind

My mind, my mystery

Fleeing all at once to a hidden

place

Only the memory of an

emotion, a feeling

A memory for a moment

And then it goes, and is no more



the last few days...

My uncle was visiting with a missions team.  It was fun to be able to see what they do and take part in some of the activities.  And it's always nice to have family in town.

Today we had no school because of All Saint's Day, so I was able to spend the afternoon with them today, as well.

Today was a rough day, but I have had so many people helping me that this evening I feel much better than I did when the day started.  It's amazing how talking to people can help shift one's perspective, make the world seem a little brighter.  Thank God for community...

I like hymns...

because they remind me of people who came before me.  My great-grandma's generation walking through life's problems...and surviving.  That fellowship of suffering, knowing many others have walked these roads before...

There was something about the cemetery that was comforting when I was younger...the old headstones, the generations buried there, hints of their trials inscribed in the dates and the times...

There is something about hymns that feels like someone upholding me...the generations of Christians with their humble trust in Jesus.  Knowing I follow in their footsteps.

It doesn't make the struggle go away, but it does make it just a little but lighter.