Trust...

I have been noticing an interesting phenomenon this week...when given the option to worry about possibilities or trust God, I consistently choose to worry.  It's not that I prefer the worst option...I would actually be very thrilled if my worrying is proved wrong...it's just that I fear trusting...

It's not something I would have said before.  But after having observed my own reactions over the past few days, I can see that it is true.

I fear hope.  I fear trusting.  I would rather worry myself sick and be pleasantly surprised when I am wrong than live in peace and contentment and then let God catch me if I am wrong.

God doesn't carry me so much when I worry preemptively...it's not that he doesn't care; he just doesn't step in and help supernaturally the way he does when I'm hit with an actual disaster.

Perhaps that has to do with the Bible saying not to worry... :-)

So I don't want to trust...I find it easier to prep for disaster than look forward to what might come.  And my reasoning for doing this?  I listened in on my thoughts earlier, and this is what I heard:

You didn't save my brother...

I thought I had dealt with that already...

I guess in the process of accepting hardship, I had somehow forgotten how to trust that God would ever deliver anything better, thinking that's for the hereafter, not for the here and now...

Yet in James today, I read about Job, about how he was patient in suffering and had what was lost restored to him.  So maybe, at least sometimes, we do get to see some of the restoration in the here and now. 

In the meantime, it might be nice to save myself the worry and stress...to hope now and then and wait to face the cold, hard facts when they come and stare me square in the face.  God's always there when that happens.  He carries the bulk of the load...

When I worry, though, I find I do a lot of that on my own...I think I'd like to learn to hope. 

Maybe I'll make that my meta (goal) for the weekend.  By Sunday night, I hope to have taken some strides in learning how to hope.  For the next 48 hours...I'll start right now and I'll see how it goes. :-)